24
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE OCTOBER 27, 1995
BIG TIPS
How do I ask for space without damaging our relationship?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone When I found myself rubbing tiny amounts of hand cream into my family photos this weekend, I realized it was time to let you in on a part of me that I've tried to hide. I am about to make myself vulnerable to you, by revealing a deeply personal side, so please be sensitive. I'm... I'm organized.
Mind you, this is not some dilettante's relationship with organization, like having a neatly-rolled, lined-up, sorted-by-color sock drawer. (They're all black anyway, s so it's not that big a deal.) This is a full-blown, deep and long-standing commitment to instituting and maintaining systems for almost everything in my life. While alarming and seemingly obsessive to my friends, it is satisfying to me, and ultimately soothing: Do I want to mail a letter? I always have a stamp. My Rolodex (on my desk) is an identical copy of my Filofax (in my bag), God forbid one was damaged or lost. A simple calendar-based system assures that my loved ones will receive timely acknowledgement of critical rites de passage and holy days of choice.
Now, perhaps you are recoiling in revulsion: "What a desiccated, obsessive and soulless life she must live, even though a timely birthday greeting would be nice every once in a while!" Well, you'll be relieved to know that between me and the world of terse, schedule-toting, calculator-clutching Virgos stands one huge, mitigating factor: my disinclination to do anything the regular (read: easy) way.
I measure nothing. The inception of all projects looks like this: me, running around with a mouthful of pins, tubes of epoxy, a bottle of whiteout, and a crazed look that never appears on Martha "Decorative Balls of Moss" Stewart's face. At this point you're thinking, "MT, indeed this is a window on your soul, but why do you feel the inclination
to share such bald facts, in such detail, at this juncture?
This is where the anointing of the photographs comes in. I recently decided to transfer all of my photos into acid free books, with those miniscule transparent corners, which was dreamily systematic, except that some of the pix had tape residue on their surface, so they were all sticking to each other whenever I shut the book. I'm sure, somewhere, in keeping with my heretofore archival behavior, there was a solvent which would have rid me of this tacky nightmare, but it wasn't at my fingertips, so I did the next best thing: I greased each and every sticky spot. And you know what? The pages don't stick together anymore. I'll let you know in 10 or 15 years how the photos are doing.
Dear M.T. Martone,
I have been dating a wonderful man for the past few months. He's from a dysfunctional family, and most recently he told me he's a survivor of child abuse. Since we've been seeing each other, I have supported him emotionally through everything—ex-alcoholic boyfriends, family crisis, female impersonation, and his revived memories of being abused. I have found a counselor for him to speak to in our area, being as he is new here, and he has decided to seek help.
My dilemma: I care for him and love him dearly; but I cannot handle the emotional stress anymore. I want to make sure he is well and achieving the goals he has set for himself. But at the same time, I feel I need to separate myself from our relationship. I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster he's on, because I'm starting to lose it! How do I ask for space without damaging our relationship? I don't know how he will take a separation now.
Caring, Loving, But Confused
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The Lesbian/Gay Community Service Center (The Center) is sponsoring a clothing collection to benefit Project Goshen, a non-profit neighborhood development project which works in Cleveland's inner city with recovering drug and alcohol abusers to rehabilitate neighborhood housing.
Drop off clothing anytime The Center is open. Clothing box is located in the courtyard behind The Center. Donation letters are available on the side of the box.
Dear CaLoCo,
Yeah, it seems like it's confusing. You say you need to separate yourself from The Relationship, but then that you don't want to damage The Relationship. Whatever you decide to do, your status as a couple will probably change, because you say you need to not be with him while he's going through these particular changes. Whether that means a temporary separation or breaking up, he's lucky to have a loving supportive person like you in his life right now, and if you lose yourself in his problems, you'll be no good to anyone.
Tell him what you're thinking ASAP, and even though it's sad and hard, take time out. If you two end up together in the long run, your relationship will be based on the fact that you each know how to take responsibility for fixing your own problems. You'll have a lot more energy for compassion towards others when you're not running on empty yourself. Take care.
(I can't help commenting: female impersonation in the same litany of traumas with child abuse and chemical dependency? Drag can be very joyous and brave and healingly fun...don't knock it til you've tried it on.) Dear Big Tipper,
My girlfriend and I seem to be having a problem with words. We communicate pretty well, but some of the things I'd like to do in the bedroom, and elsewhere, she calls S-M. She says I only want to do these things because they're trendy, and I've seen them in videos, and they don't really have a place in our relationship. I'm not asking about setting up a dungeon in our bedroom, but she says there's no room for power imbalance in a loving relationship.
I think doing these things could just spice things up a little, and I wouldn't want to completely replace what we do now. I'm dis-
appointed that my girlfriend won't even try these things, and I'm worried about the fact that a big relationship decision was made by her just saying no, with no discussion or compromise. I know I can't, and shouldn't want to, get her to do these things against her will, but how can I get her to acknowledge the fact that these things are important to me, and to consider compromise?
Please, May I Be A Pervert?
Dear Lover May 1,
What things? How am I supposed to get my prurient needs met if you don't specify what these forbidden activities are? Sigh. So the problems are 1: You wanna do something that the girlfriend won't even consider, and 2: The family decision making process is flawed.
Concerning concern number 1: I'm not going through the “SM is a safe, sane and consensual exchange of power" rap because it's long and familiar, but I'm going to tell you about two fabulous books, The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book, both by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. They're short, accessible, funny, and dense with information about the pleasures of power exchange from both sides (for gals or guys). I recommend both highly.
In light of problem number 2, though, the girlfriend may never want to do these mysterious activities. Then what? Then you decide what you want more, a vanilla bird in the hand, or the tantalizing rustle from within the black leather bush. Bon chance.
Send your questions on life, love, and sticky tape residue (use rubbing alcohol) to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com; or fax to 216-
631-1082.
PUCCINI
After his LA BOHEME and MADAME BUTTERFLY came
SUOR ANGELICA & GIANNI SCHICCHI
TONS OF
SCANDAL!
Now the show IS in Italian, but don't panic! You go to foreign films with subtitles, right? Well, this is no different. There's an English translation projected above the stage!
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or by presenting it at the State Theatre Box Office (1519 Euclid Ave)
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call 211 6000